that next moment

As the summer nears it's end, I have a brief moment to remind myself of what matters. It's not an epiphany or something that has never been thought of. It's nothing that hasn't already been thought of millions of times throughout history.

Whatever the thoughts of you heart drift to or your soul believes in. The things that make you who you are. Our joys and sorrows are the natural order of life. The ebb and flow of the tides that our lives mimic. Those are the things that consume my mind.

For me, it is particularly important to remind myself of these things. I have battled myself since my early teenage years. Some self imposed but, all unstoppable. Sadness that washes over me like night. Creeping into every corner, seeking weakness and crushing my spirit. Difficult for others to understand and impossible to ignore. I have fought the invisible and lose ground as the years go on. It takes it's place in my life. An unwanted visitor that threatens not only my well being but the well being of everyone around me.

Then I see that brief moment. The one that let's me see clearly. Remember what matters. I try to crawl inside that sliver of time but, it is too small. All too often it spits me out and I tumble towards the darkness. Inside I can feel myself scratch and claw but, outside I shut down. I'm hollow. I'm beat. I'm waiting for that next moment.

Closure

When is it time?

After you know all the answers and refuse to believe the truth. Where do you go from there? Do you know in your heart and soul? Is it a matter of fact? When is it time to stop your heart from aching?

Unknowingly, today is that day for me. A simple Doctor appointment. Simple discussion. A not so simple outcome. At least through my eyes.

I have wanted to be a mother since I was in my late teens. With my responsible nature, I quelled this driving desire. Knowing full well the trials and tribulations of single motherhood, I made the decision to wait.

Little did I know that making what seemed a no brainer of a decision would turn out to be a epic one. As I matured, I was plagued with mystery maladies that changed as fast as I did. For years it would seem I was entering the ring with hypochondriacs.

It was after moving to Southern California and marrying my husband that I discovered the belly of the beast. Shortly after our return home from our honeymoon I was diagnosed with Lupus. It was a relief to have an answer to all the strange health problems. That relief was short lived. We were told it may be difficult and/or dangerous to become pregnant. How could it be that something I had waited my whole life for was slowly fading like a ghost. After much research and staying healthy for a year, I was easily able to conceive. It was not the typical joyful pregnancy. We had to be prepared to sacrifice our unborn child's life for that of my own if things took a turn for the worse. Not thoughts you want on your mind during what is supposed to be the most joyful of occasions. Nonetheless, we made it. With much difficulty we have a beautiful daughter.

It has always been in the back of my head that because I am capable of getting pregnant that by some miracle I would have another babe to hold in my arms. Holding on to that thought , even though it is not my reality, has been my key to sanity. The desire to be a mother of a large family never goes away. It creeps in at my darkest moments. Then I look into the eyes of my daughter and realize she needs me. I need her and my husband needs us both.

I am ashamed of my selfishness. I realize how lucky I am. How blessed. I need not be reminded of these things. My heart bursts with love. All the while the thoughts in the back of my mind ... nothing has changed, you are still able to bear children, you are exactly the way you have always been. Holding on to sanity. Living in you daydream. A protective bubble around your reality.

Until today.

I have made a consult appointment to end my daydream. Stumble unwillingly into reality and cease the nonsense that holds me together. Giving life could cause my death. That is my reality. The burden of accidental failure to stop such a situation from occurring is pulling me away from the man I love. One would think that this shouldn't require a thought process or a consult. It does. Maybe more than one thought. Maybe more than one consult.

When is it time for closure?

holding on & letting go

holding on & letting go

a mothers dilemma

a mothers duty

unknowns & fears

joys & sorrows

torn between what your heart wants

and what your head knows

a mothers dilemma

a mothers duty

I want her to stay with me forever.  I know that is the mind of a deranged parent.  I can

still think it without saying it aloud.  She is a piece of me that I cannot be without.

I know that it has gone on for millions of years.  The letting go.  The change from child to woman.  The loss of the bird in the nest.  I am painfully aware of all these things.  Yet with my mind full of knowledge and ready for action, i fall down.  Like a child myself.  My heart overpowers my mind and I lose the ability to see the difference between holding on and letting go.

It's a loss.  In my heart she should still be swaddled and protected.  In my mind, I have the monumental task of preparing her for the person she wants to become.  I don't want it.  Who said I can't keep her with me?  Who said she will move on?  Who?

Like a spoiled child, I close my mouth and hold my breath until the colors of defeat change my face.  Then, with all the strength of my soul I will again rise to the challenge of preparation.  The task at hand.

The letting go.

Mercy Now

mercy now-Mary Gauthier

My father could use a little mercy now
The fruits of his labor
Fall and rot slowly on the ground
His work is almost over
It won't be long and he won't be around
I love my father, and he could use some mercy now

My brother could use a little mercy now
He's a stranger to freedom
He's shackled to his fears and doubts
The pain that he lives in is
Almost more than living will allow
I love my brother, and he could use some mercy now

My church and my country could use a little mercy now
As they sink into a poisoned pit
That's going to take forever to climb out
They carry the weight of the faithful
Who follow them down
I love my church and country, and they could use some mercy now

Every living thing could use a little mercy now
Only the hand of grace can end the race
Towards another mushroom cloud
People in power, well
They'll do anything to keep their crown
I love life, and life itself could use some mercy now

Yeah, we all could use a little mercy now
I know we don't deserve it
But we need it anyhow
We hang in the balance
Dangle 'tween hell and hallowed ground
Every single one of us could use some mercy now
Every single one of us could use some mercy now
Every single one of us could use some mercy now

nowhere

Nowhere.  Some days just feel like this.  The feeling that your wheels are spinning or you have ceased to be productive.  I believe it is our brains or inner self putting on the brakes.  My inside is screaming HALT while the world continues to flow at it's break neck pace.  

Nowhere.  The place that isn't on the map.  The place that you run out of gas.  The place you are when you are waiting for a call from your doctor.  Not that it is a terrible place to be, for a visit. Maybe for a layover.  Certainly not to stay.

Nowhere.  Is the place that others refuse to let you be.  It makes them uncomfortable.  They don't know what to do or how to help.  It is a impossible state to explain to those who have never been and overwhelming to those who have.  

My Nowhere is cloudy with a chance of sun.  It is my retreat.  Not a place that I take myself but, a place that I am taken to when the need arises.  My mind, body and soul can feel the pull to Nowhere like a junkie to a drug.  I often fight the impulse to go then pay a price.  That price is that I stay Nowhere longer.  Longer than I want, longer than my family deserves and longer than my friends can tolerate.

Nowhere can turn a extrovert into a hermit.  That is it's job.  It hears the cries to halt before you do.  It responds to the need.  It takes me and I am grateful.  For the moments in Nowhere(no matter how frustrating) are a time of renewal.  I don't always give in or go along with the plan and I still end up Nowhere.

Nowhere is not a derogatory term.  It is all in how you arrive.  

My Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving I felt it necessary to take a moment or 15 and remember why I am thankful. As most people, I am thankful for my family, friends and those on the fringe.  I have had many Thanksgivings that have been very emotional and meaningful.  There has been remembering people that have departed in one way or another, there has been happiness, tragedy, gratefulness, forgiveness and a plethora of other reasons to be forever thankful.  

However, this year is different.  Like many people in this world we have been hit by a bad economy.  This on top of still reeling from Rays' significant injury and loss of work have put us in a situation that we had never dreamed of.  Not a unique situation, but unique to us.  As we try to regroup, stay strong and "find a way", I feel different about this holiday than I have about others.

I find myself detaching from the present.  I'm sure it is form of self preservation.  Detached nonetheless.  I drift to the future.  I am thankful that I am seeing some changes in the world.  I'm not talking about politics.  I'm talking about the small changes that are occuring even as we speak.  For all the "wrong", "bad", "inhumane", unthinkable things that are going on in this world there are people trying their best to undo all that is being done.  Not just a few "crazy" people on the edge of society, but masses of people that believe that they can make a difference. They will.  I have seen the changes slowly making a difference.  I am sure that they will continue.

With that being said.  I am thankful.  For my life and the lives of those who are willing to step forward and speak their minds, stand up for what they believe in and are willing to take risks to make this world a better place.  For my family that is small and mighty.  For my friends that are like gold.  For children that with our guidance will make a difference in the future of this world.  For feeling like giving when I have nothing to give.  For all that has been trusted to me.  For my health, as vicarious as it may be.  For my mind and the ability to speak it without fear.  For all the good and bad that I have been through, for those are the things that have made me who I am today and I like myself.  For the people that have stepped into my life recently and have embraced me, taught me, loved me, saved me and continue to do so.  For those who have become part of my life even though you are all so far away.  For my ability to rise during a crisis.  For a life that allows me to be creative.  For the slow melt of what covers me and is setting me free in ways I have yet to experience.

I could go on forever.  

For that I am thankful.

clear corners

That is what I'm looking for.  Clear Corners.  Of my house, career, mind, home, life.  It seems like a task that has a beginning and an end when you think about it.  That's a dirty rotten lie.  It is all middle.  Where do I start?  Is the beginning the teary breakdown I had today because I have no money to take care of my family, or do my job properly, or even not feel guilty about buying lunch after fourteen 10-12 hour days at work?  I can't even see anything but the middle and here I am, in it, unable to climb out.  I am overwhelmed, saddened, defeated and all the while I still have to be a good wife, mother, friend, daughter...  

I realize that there are people that have it worse.  I get it.  I know that it will "all work out".  I get it.  I know that everyone falls down.  I fucking get it.  But what about the MIDDLE?  What direction is the way out?  No one can tell you that!  All the advise that people want to give me and no one can fucking tell me the way out!

I am grateful for the people that I have in my life.  I love them all intensely, am loyal to a fault.  In return I need to be able to fall apart in a blubbering heap without all the cliches that come with being down, depressed or financially challenged.  Just let me cry, be miserable and work through it.  I know that it makes you sad to see me like this but I need to work it out, to find something other than the middle.

I am angry at myself, I am disappointed and I need to find the way out.