My Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving I felt it necessary to take a moment or 15 and remember why I am thankful. As most people, I am thankful for my family, friends and those on the fringe.  I have had many Thanksgivings that have been very emotional and meaningful.  There has been remembering people that have departed in one way or another, there has been happiness, tragedy, gratefulness, forgiveness and a plethora of other reasons to be forever thankful.  

However, this year is different.  Like many people in this world we have been hit by a bad economy.  This on top of still reeling from Rays' significant injury and loss of work have put us in a situation that we had never dreamed of.  Not a unique situation, but unique to us.  As we try to regroup, stay strong and "find a way", I feel different about this holiday than I have about others.

I find myself detaching from the present.  I'm sure it is form of self preservation.  Detached nonetheless.  I drift to the future.  I am thankful that I am seeing some changes in the world.  I'm not talking about politics.  I'm talking about the small changes that are occuring even as we speak.  For all the "wrong", "bad", "inhumane", unthinkable things that are going on in this world there are people trying their best to undo all that is being done.  Not just a few "crazy" people on the edge of society, but masses of people that believe that they can make a difference. They will.  I have seen the changes slowly making a difference.  I am sure that they will continue.

With that being said.  I am thankful.  For my life and the lives of those who are willing to step forward and speak their minds, stand up for what they believe in and are willing to take risks to make this world a better place.  For my family that is small and mighty.  For my friends that are like gold.  For children that with our guidance will make a difference in the future of this world.  For feeling like giving when I have nothing to give.  For all that has been trusted to me.  For my health, as vicarious as it may be.  For my mind and the ability to speak it without fear.  For all the good and bad that I have been through, for those are the things that have made me who I am today and I like myself.  For the people that have stepped into my life recently and have embraced me, taught me, loved me, saved me and continue to do so.  For those who have become part of my life even though you are all so far away.  For my ability to rise during a crisis.  For a life that allows me to be creative.  For the slow melt of what covers me and is setting me free in ways I have yet to experience.

I could go on forever.  

For that I am thankful.

clear corners

That is what I'm looking for.  Clear Corners.  Of my house, career, mind, home, life.  It seems like a task that has a beginning and an end when you think about it.  That's a dirty rotten lie.  It is all middle.  Where do I start?  Is the beginning the teary breakdown I had today because I have no money to take care of my family, or do my job properly, or even not feel guilty about buying lunch after fourteen 10-12 hour days at work?  I can't even see anything but the middle and here I am, in it, unable to climb out.  I am overwhelmed, saddened, defeated and all the while I still have to be a good wife, mother, friend, daughter...  

I realize that there are people that have it worse.  I get it.  I know that it will "all work out".  I get it.  I know that everyone falls down.  I fucking get it.  But what about the MIDDLE?  What direction is the way out?  No one can tell you that!  All the advise that people want to give me and no one can fucking tell me the way out!

I am grateful for the people that I have in my life.  I love them all intensely, am loyal to a fault.  In return I need to be able to fall apart in a blubbering heap without all the cliches that come with being down, depressed or financially challenged.  Just let me cry, be miserable and work through it.  I know that it makes you sad to see me like this but I need to work it out, to find something other than the middle.

I am angry at myself, I am disappointed and I need to find the way out.