holding on & letting go

holding on & letting go

a mothers dilemma

a mothers duty

unknowns & fears

joys & sorrows

torn between what your heart wants

and what your head knows

a mothers dilemma

a mothers duty

I want her to stay with me forever.  I know that is the mind of a deranged parent.  I can

still think it without saying it aloud.  She is a piece of me that I cannot be without.

I know that it has gone on for millions of years.  The letting go.  The change from child to woman.  The loss of the bird in the nest.  I am painfully aware of all these things.  Yet with my mind full of knowledge and ready for action, i fall down.  Like a child myself.  My heart overpowers my mind and I lose the ability to see the difference between holding on and letting go.

It's a loss.  In my heart she should still be swaddled and protected.  In my mind, I have the monumental task of preparing her for the person she wants to become.  I don't want it.  Who said I can't keep her with me?  Who said she will move on?  Who?

Like a spoiled child, I close my mouth and hold my breath until the colors of defeat change my face.  Then, with all the strength of my soul I will again rise to the challenge of preparation.  The task at hand.

The letting go.

Mercy Now

mercy now-Mary Gauthier

My father could use a little mercy now
The fruits of his labor
Fall and rot slowly on the ground
His work is almost over
It won't be long and he won't be around
I love my father, and he could use some mercy now

My brother could use a little mercy now
He's a stranger to freedom
He's shackled to his fears and doubts
The pain that he lives in is
Almost more than living will allow
I love my brother, and he could use some mercy now

My church and my country could use a little mercy now
As they sink into a poisoned pit
That's going to take forever to climb out
They carry the weight of the faithful
Who follow them down
I love my church and country, and they could use some mercy now

Every living thing could use a little mercy now
Only the hand of grace can end the race
Towards another mushroom cloud
People in power, well
They'll do anything to keep their crown
I love life, and life itself could use some mercy now

Yeah, we all could use a little mercy now
I know we don't deserve it
But we need it anyhow
We hang in the balance
Dangle 'tween hell and hallowed ground
Every single one of us could use some mercy now
Every single one of us could use some mercy now
Every single one of us could use some mercy now

nowhere

Nowhere.  Some days just feel like this.  The feeling that your wheels are spinning or you have ceased to be productive.  I believe it is our brains or inner self putting on the brakes.  My inside is screaming HALT while the world continues to flow at it's break neck pace.  

Nowhere.  The place that isn't on the map.  The place that you run out of gas.  The place you are when you are waiting for a call from your doctor.  Not that it is a terrible place to be, for a visit. Maybe for a layover.  Certainly not to stay.

Nowhere.  Is the place that others refuse to let you be.  It makes them uncomfortable.  They don't know what to do or how to help.  It is a impossible state to explain to those who have never been and overwhelming to those who have.  

My Nowhere is cloudy with a chance of sun.  It is my retreat.  Not a place that I take myself but, a place that I am taken to when the need arises.  My mind, body and soul can feel the pull to Nowhere like a junkie to a drug.  I often fight the impulse to go then pay a price.  That price is that I stay Nowhere longer.  Longer than I want, longer than my family deserves and longer than my friends can tolerate.

Nowhere can turn a extrovert into a hermit.  That is it's job.  It hears the cries to halt before you do.  It responds to the need.  It takes me and I am grateful.  For the moments in Nowhere(no matter how frustrating) are a time of renewal.  I don't always give in or go along with the plan and I still end up Nowhere.

Nowhere is not a derogatory term.  It is all in how you arrive.