Like for many, this year has been one of many trials and tribulations for our family. This Mother's day I would like to place one of them here. On virtual paper. Close enough to let me remember but, far enough to help me forget.
Early in December of last year I was woken up by the sounds of a sick child. It was flu season. It was 2:00 a.m. and Zephyr was vomiting and running a fever. At 5:00 a.m. the vomiting had stopped and she was resting. The fever was still present but all the other symptoms had subsided. I thought she was done with the worst of it.
Before, I continue, please know that I still carry relentless guilt and pain in my heart when I float into the memories of this day. With that being said...
Ray and I are both freelancers. That means when work calls, we go. With Ray already gone, I had to decide whether or not to go in for an hour. My girl was sick but resting and showed no signs of worsening. I contacted friends to be on call, drove into work, did what the client requested and drove home. Calling a couple of times to check on her. I was gone 75 minutes. When I arrived home, she was still running a low grade fever. I was going to give her 2-3 hours and then take her in if there was no improvement.
That decision nearly cost my daughter her life. After about an hour, my assistant and I heard a call from my daughter's room. A call for mamma that was desperate and frightened. I ran to her as she was trying to make it down the hall towards the bathroom. It was then that the call was placed to 911 by my assistant as my daughter collapsed in my arms. When help arrived she was slightly coherent, barely had a measurable blood pressure and was still alive because her body was pumping adrenaline as a last ditch, life saving effort.
Most of what happens next is a blur to me. Crisis mode is the term that fits. Everyone had their role to play. Life saving for the paramedics, physicians and nurses. Decision making, reaching Ray on location, support and love from me. My assistant left to make calls . lock up and provide back up.
blur blur blur. spin spin spin. small freak out. blur spin again and again.
It was 4 days before she could maintain her own blood pressure. Her organs had all taken a hit from the infection. She was young and strong. A swimmer and triathlete. As soon as her body regained control of it's own blood pressure she was out of the woods. Another few days in the PICU and a stable Zephyr would transfer to her regular hospital for the duration of her stay.
She was regaining strength, laughing and trying silly walking styles as we did laps around the ward. Her new doctor felt as if she would do better at home. Such great news. I was so happy but nervous. I think moms do that. We drove to my parents for the holidays and she flourished. We all had brighter spirits and were welcoming the return to school.
Short lived would be the only way to describe the brighter spirits and return to school. She was having a difficult time physically and emotionally. She only did one week of full-ish days followed by a couple of half day and absent two weeks. Finally, with the help of her school counselor and nurse, Zephyr was placed in "Home/Hospital" in late January. After a month of paperwork a teacher came to the house 5 hours a week for instruction. Yes, I said 5 HOURS.
During all of this, Zephyr and I were feeding off of each other and both fell into a severe depression. I'm the one that is supposed to make it all better for her. How could I help her if I couldn't help myself? For weeks this was the story. Other factors would end up occurring during this time to make life seem unbearable. All the while, my heart is telling me to take care of my daughter, myself and my husband.
We still struggle today. Zephyr is being treated for PTSD and continues to make progress. Someday her story of strength and courage will serve her well. I, on the other hand, still have a long way to go. Erasing the pictures and memories of the day that almost took my daughter and learning to live with the scars that will be left in their place.
Yesterday, my strong, healthy and beautiful baby girl had her first day at school. She was was happy and smiling when she came home.
There is nothing more I an ask for on this Mother's day.
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