Closure

When is it time?

After you know all the answers and refuse to believe the truth. Where do you go from there? Do you know in your heart and soul? Is it a matter of fact? When is it time to stop your heart from aching?

Unknowingly, today is that day for me. A simple Doctor appointment. Simple discussion. A not so simple outcome. At least through my eyes.

I have wanted to be a mother since I was in my late teens. With my responsible nature, I quelled this driving desire. Knowing full well the trials and tribulations of single motherhood, I made the decision to wait.

Little did I know that making what seemed a no brainer of a decision would turn out to be a epic one. As I matured, I was plagued with mystery maladies that changed as fast as I did. For years it would seem I was entering the ring with hypochondriacs.

It was after moving to Southern California and marrying my husband that I discovered the belly of the beast. Shortly after our return home from our honeymoon I was diagnosed with Lupus. It was a relief to have an answer to all the strange health problems. That relief was short lived. We were told it may be difficult and/or dangerous to become pregnant. How could it be that something I had waited my whole life for was slowly fading like a ghost. After much research and staying healthy for a year, I was easily able to conceive. It was not the typical joyful pregnancy. We had to be prepared to sacrifice our unborn child's life for that of my own if things took a turn for the worse. Not thoughts you want on your mind during what is supposed to be the most joyful of occasions. Nonetheless, we made it. With much difficulty we have a beautiful daughter.

It has always been in the back of my head that because I am capable of getting pregnant that by some miracle I would have another babe to hold in my arms. Holding on to that thought , even though it is not my reality, has been my key to sanity. The desire to be a mother of a large family never goes away. It creeps in at my darkest moments. Then I look into the eyes of my daughter and realize she needs me. I need her and my husband needs us both.

I am ashamed of my selfishness. I realize how lucky I am. How blessed. I need not be reminded of these things. My heart bursts with love. All the while the thoughts in the back of my mind ... nothing has changed, you are still able to bear children, you are exactly the way you have always been. Holding on to sanity. Living in you daydream. A protective bubble around your reality.

Until today.

I have made a consult appointment to end my daydream. Stumble unwillingly into reality and cease the nonsense that holds me together. Giving life could cause my death. That is my reality. The burden of accidental failure to stop such a situation from occurring is pulling me away from the man I love. One would think that this shouldn't require a thought process or a consult. It does. Maybe more than one thought. Maybe more than one consult.

When is it time for closure?