My parents~My path~My legacy

                                      she loved him...so did i, there lies the problem

My first honest answer to a very real situation:

Dear XXXXXXX,

first, i need to tell you that i wanted to respond earlier but it took me time to get the courage to put myself out there and to calm myself down. The scars of abuse never go away. Now that I have had a good cry and can collect my thoughts I bring you this.

second, let me say you can tell me to piss off at any time.

third, let me say this:

I come from a family dynamic that was comprised of exactly what you are talking about. My mother stayed married to my father because "you didn't just leave in the 60's" and she was scared. After 12 years of marriage my mother was verbally and physically abused, had two children that were psychologically damaged (unbeknownst to her) and couldn't take it anymore.

Each year of marriage brought less tolerance from my dad and a higher level of abuse. Which by the way included but was not limited to, how she should dress, who she was allowed to see, what was to be prepared at home and elsewhere, who she could talk to...this did not all happen at once. It was a long, painful 12 years that escalated as it aged.

My parents thought that because we were young that we had no idea what was going on. I remember it all like it was yesterday.

Jump forward to my early teens when I met a handsome guy that was every teenage girls dream. He came from a good family, was a knockout, surfed, raced cars, loved road-trips, and i was over the moon for him.

Little did I know (because I was a teenager) that he was a spitting image of my father in his high school years and was to be a exact replica of him all the way down to me needing stitches, held at gunpoint, locked out naked, taken to the "dumps" and left for dead, locked in a room for days, the list gets more degrading, violent and well I suppose you can see where I'm going.

It was a life I was familiar with, miserable but comfortable, violent but well made up for. It is a classic cycle of violence. It is well documented, counseled and fought to be broken.

it began with me as it did with my mother. He made himself perfect for me, made himself useful and somewhat needed, slowly isolated me from family and loved ones, verbal abuse...

I was 10 years old when the police came for my father. By that age I was already on my path. Nobody knew in the 60's that the children would suffer the mistakes of the mother. I say mother because they are the ones with the power to be free. They usually have a family that wants them back and has been watching helplessly from the sidelines waiting for us to ask for help.

I am now in my 40's have an amazing husband that I married when I was 30, and brilliant daughter that I am proud to say will not be a part of "the cycle of violence" the chain has been broken and even as much despair as these memories bring me, my solace is in the gift I have given her...freedom to be who she wants to be in all matters of her life.

This was very painful for me to write. In retrospect I should have done it by e-mail. But, here it is and maybe you can find some wisdom and strength behind it. Yes, it is scary and difficult.

You owe it to yourself and to your daughter to lead a life without tyranny. Mothers are the teachers, leaders and keepers of their daughters.

I keep you close to my heart and pray for safety for you and Claire. I believe you may already know what you need to do. Courage will follow and you will do what you have to do.

XO Michele

I am feeling devastated yet liberated. This is my path.